“Let’s start with the fantasy spell that one or both partners can fall under merely by getting into recovery. It is what drives the recovering addict to believe, “Finally! I am free of my addictions, so all the annoying, frustrating, and infuriating things my partner does to me are going to disappear! No more pain and sorrow!” Likewise, it is what causes you as a recovering codependent to believe, “Finally! My partner is addiction-free, so everything is going to fall into place. No more suffering!”
I refer to this as a fantasy spell because it is based on the expectation that problems will simply dissolve, as if through the waving of a magic wand. It is an irrational state of mind that can come over even the smartest people.”
“This spell played out in Kim and Jason’s relationship much like a romantic movie with a very unrealistic plot. As soon as Jason got sober, Kim started creating a movie in her head with Jason in the starring role as the responsible, protective partner. At the same time, Jason started to imagine Kim in the costarring role as his lighthearted, sexy wife. Perhaps most significantly, neither Kim nor Jason was aware of what they were doing. They didn’t realize that they were constantly weighing the reality of their relationship against the fantasy relationship playing out in their minds. “The awesome person Kim imagined Jason would become when he got sober looked nothing like the angry, depressed guy sleeping in the bed next to her. Jason, on the other hand, couldn’t understand why Kim wasn’t readily forgiving him for his past drunken betrayals now that he had committed to sobriety. She didn’t match up with the fantasy wife who loved and supported him no matter what. As long as Kim and Jason continued living under their own respective fantasy spells, they each felt the other was coming up short.
Try This: Identify Your Fantasy Spell”“f you are like most people in first stage recovery, you are vulnerable to being under a fantasy spell. Can you identify yours? Fill in the blank. You can give as many details as you want to describe your fantasy.
My fantasy about my partner is that:
(For example: “My fantasy about my partner is that he is going to be more communicative and loving now that he is in recovery. He will take me out on Saturday nights.”)
My partner’s fantasy about me is that:
(For example: “My partner’s fantasy about me is that I’m going to let go of all my resentments now that she has put down her addiction.”)”“Note that I’m not asking you to research your partner’s fantasy to use as evidence against him or her. Recognizing your own fantasy is not something you should use against yourself, either. What’s important here is that you bring into your consciousness the beliefs and ideas you carry that may be hurting you without your even knowing it. You don’t want to condemn your relationship because it fails to live up to ideas you’ve internalized unconsciously. And it goes without saying you don’t want your partner to condemn you, either.
At first glance—especially if you are in the early stages of recovery—living under a fantasy spell might seem far easier than delving into uncomfortable psychological and emotional realities. But trust me, it isn’t. A fantasy spell stands between you and your recovering partner and prevents either of you from moving into second stage recovery.”“Remember, your fantasies may feel very real to you, but the fact is, they’re only mental images of what you wish would occur or fear could happen. The positive ones usually have no feelings of anxiety, fear, depression, or anger associated with them. The negative ones do. Either way, they are not reality.
The advantage of using a mindfulness practice here is that you can take your unconscious mind out of the driver’s seat and put your aware mind in its place. This helps you recognize not only what your fantasies are, but also how persistently they may have steered you and your relationship in the wrong direction. Perhaps you’re thinking, Wow, I didn’t even know my ideas about my partner were fantasies. But, now you do! The freedom you can give yourself just by connecting the dots with your own aware thinking can be mind-boggling.
Mindfulness Meditation: Appreciate Your Relationship
Read these instructions to yourself, then put down the book and do the meditation.
Take a moment to sit back in your chair and get comfortable.
”“Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and a long breath out, and allow yourself to relax.
Notice where you are holding tension in your body. Breathe into those places and allow yourself to relax more fully.
As you continue mindful breathing, bring to mind the partner you chose to find love and companionship with, whom you fight for and against, and with whom you hope to fulfill your deepest yearnings.
Allow yourself to appreciate the heaven and the hell of this path: the good, the bad, and the ugly. As you continue to relax into your breath, appreciate what it means to surrender. You may be in the best place with your partner right now, in the worst, or just coasting on mediocre. Whichever way, let yourself be here now. Here is all we have in any moment.
See if you can give yourself the luxury of not knowing and not having to know exactly how or when things are going to get better. Appreciate the luxury of being curious without any expectations about what is to come. For a few moments, see if you can leave your life as it is and be present with yourself.”
“Whenever you are ready, take a deep breath, and open your eyes.
Your Relationship Frame of Reference
One of my jobs with Jason and Kim was to help them break their fantasy spell by facing up to their issues of addiction and codependency. I told them that the first step toward a deeper understanding of their relationship was to examine where the frames of reference they used in romantic relationships came from.
By frame of reference, I mean the various feelings and attitudes that you have about relationships and that influence how you act in the present moment with your partner. Your parental upbringing—that is, how your parents related to each other and to you—is one important influence on your frame of reference. Other influences are genetics, learning disabilities, past trauma, mental illness, cultural background, education, and religion. For now, let’s stick to the influence of your parental upbringing. We will look at some of these other influences in later chapters.”“If you don’t know the origin of your frame of reference, chances are you will be blindly ruled by it. This is what psychologists mean when they refer to the “power of the unconscious.” The unconscious is all the stuff you hold in your mind that has a party in your dreams while you sleep each night, and makes the decisions you later don’t know why you made. The unconscious is what can make you confused about why you chose your partner, why you took your career path, and why you have the friends you have. You know the conscious factors that inform your choices, but your conscious mind is never the whole picture. Your unconscious is at play and is seeking ways to make itself known to you through the many life choices you make.
Hyperpositive and hypernegative are the two most common frames of reference held by the codependent and the addict. If your parents were overly indulgent and avoided conflict, your frame of reference for relationships will tend toward being hyperpositive. If they were neglectful, harsh, or abusive, it will tend toward being hypernegative. Of course, not every child was either overly protected from the difficult realities of life or “abused and neglected. You may find yourself somewhere between these extremes.
Let’s look at each of the two types more closely. Some individuals developed a hyperpositive frame of reference because they were never allowed to see their parents fight or disagree with each other. These parents would say just about anything to avoid causing their children disappointment and suffering. If you aren’t sure you recognize this style, watch a few episodes of 1950s shows, such as Leave It to Beaver or Ozzie and Harriet. You’ll see that Mom and Dad were very nice people who slept in twin beds and never had grown-up talk with their kids about anything beyond the birds and the bees. This kind of parenting creates a frame of reference filled with unrealistic notions of life and romance. Certainly, the individuals raised by such parents are unprepared for the big bumps in the road and frustrations that life and real relationships bring. It’s no wonder they are hugely disappointed, shocked, and angry at what the real deal doles out.”
“Other individuals developed a hypernegative frame of reference for partnership from watching their parents be abusive, disrespectful, and unloving toward each other. They grew used to their parents’ aggressive behavior, unpredictable mood swings, and lack of support for them. They may have experienced serious neglect and indifference from their parents. These people can develop a wildly high tolerance for or sensitivity to suffering and deprivation. They might not know when to put their foot down with their partner, or else become abusive themselves. They could recreate what I call “the familiar horrible” and end up in an abusive relationship, or decide to never again be with anyone who acts like either of their parents. Some of these people have an incredibly high tolerance for neglect; others, conversely, have a zero tolerance policy for their partner’s bad behavior because, to them, “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” This is a problem because, to be in a long-term relationship with a real person, you must be able to put up with normal levels of anger and frustration coming from your partner. So if you have a history of abuse, or your parents were abusive to each other, things can become very complicated when examining your frame of reference and how it has ruled your choices in your romantic life.”
KNYGA LOVING SOMEONE IN RECOVERY
